Loved by the Father
Last week God started talking to me about something deep in my heart. It is a wound that I imagine so many of us ladies have--for lots of different reasons. It was about being loved and wanted. Not by a lover, or by a friend, but by the God of the Universe, the Heavenly Father.
Just a teeny bit of background here. My parents married in their early thirties and it was a bit before I came along. They struggled in their marriage and when I was two years old, my mom and I left Colorado and returned to Kansas where her family helped her get a new start. She did a fantastic job of never saying anything derogatory to me about my dad, and since the only early memories I have of my dad are from photographs from the two visits he made to see me in Kansas, for the most part my life felt "normal" without him.
We trekked an hour from Garden City to my grandparent's ranch south of Ulysses each weekend. I think it was what my mom had to do to stay sane! Bless her heart. I have such sweet memories of arriving and heading straight to the living room to find my grandpa Johnny in his teal vinyl swivel rocker watching The Lawrence Welk Show. His whiskers would be a little scratchy, but I didn't care and would cuddle up on his lap and can still remember his smell--Old Spice. He became my main man. Until he died of a heart attack when I was in 4th grade.
Speed ahead now through my tweens, high school to my Senior year. My eyes become opened to the idea that God is real and that He is not just floating out there in the cosmos somewhere, detached from all of us. It was overwhelming, both in a scary and a wonderful way. He knew what I was thinking and doing--could be good, could be bad. He cared--that was new. Through the ministry of a dear childhood friend, I trusted that He had sent his only son Jesus to die on the cross for ME, to pay the penalty for MY sins and to give me life everlasting with HIM. It was a life changing decision. The best I have ever made in my life.
The Holy Spirit has taught me so much in the 36 years since then. But the old wound is still there and has been so infected at times that it has caused severe depression. Am I really loved? Am I wanted? Why didn't my earthly father fight for me. Why did my grandfather abandon me? It is these questions that our great God has been addressing recently in my life. Here is a glimpse.
I was getting ready for work last week, listening to Christian music on Pandora. I was sitting on the edge of the tub in our bathroom putting lotion on my feet when I heard it. One word. It was kind of muffled in the phrase, and I wondered if I had heard it right. Did Francesca Battistelli say "wanted" that time in the latter part of "He Knows My Name"? I hopped up and searched the lyrics. Sure enough! Tucked in the bridge, it was there: WANTED.
He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King
His forever, held in treasure
I am loved
Just a teeny bit of background here. My parents married in their early thirties and it was a bit before I came along. They struggled in their marriage and when I was two years old, my mom and I left Colorado and returned to Kansas where her family helped her get a new start. She did a fantastic job of never saying anything derogatory to me about my dad, and since the only early memories I have of my dad are from photographs from the two visits he made to see me in Kansas, for the most part my life felt "normal" without him.
We trekked an hour from Garden City to my grandparent's ranch south of Ulysses each weekend. I think it was what my mom had to do to stay sane! Bless her heart. I have such sweet memories of arriving and heading straight to the living room to find my grandpa Johnny in his teal vinyl swivel rocker watching The Lawrence Welk Show. His whiskers would be a little scratchy, but I didn't care and would cuddle up on his lap and can still remember his smell--Old Spice. He became my main man. Until he died of a heart attack when I was in 4th grade.
Speed ahead now through my tweens, high school to my Senior year. My eyes become opened to the idea that God is real and that He is not just floating out there in the cosmos somewhere, detached from all of us. It was overwhelming, both in a scary and a wonderful way. He knew what I was thinking and doing--could be good, could be bad. He cared--that was new. Through the ministry of a dear childhood friend, I trusted that He had sent his only son Jesus to die on the cross for ME, to pay the penalty for MY sins and to give me life everlasting with HIM. It was a life changing decision. The best I have ever made in my life.
The Holy Spirit has taught me so much in the 36 years since then. But the old wound is still there and has been so infected at times that it has caused severe depression. Am I really loved? Am I wanted? Why didn't my earthly father fight for me. Why did my grandfather abandon me? It is these questions that our great God has been addressing recently in my life. Here is a glimpse.
I was getting ready for work last week, listening to Christian music on Pandora. I was sitting on the edge of the tub in our bathroom putting lotion on my feet when I heard it. One word. It was kind of muffled in the phrase, and I wondered if I had heard it right. Did Francesca Battistelli say "wanted" that time in the latter part of "He Knows My Name"? I hopped up and searched the lyrics. Sure enough! Tucked in the bridge, it was there: WANTED.
He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King
His forever, held in treasure
I am loved
I cried for joy. I am WANTED! I have always been wanted.
I am familiar with Psalm 139. I have quoted this part of it to several of our children on various occasions to encourage them.
Psalm 139:13-16 NIV For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16 NIV For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
But, as my favorite counselor has said to me, the idea had not traveled the six inches from my head to my heart. It was like the concept had slidden down a ladder in the children's board game Chutes and Ladders and landed in my heart with a thud. Not a painful thud, but a loud and solid one. Like it was there to stay. Throughout the week, more confirmations have come. I will plan to share some of those in the next post. For now, if you, like me have struggled in this area, I would encourage you to ask God the Father to provide you with assurance of how much you are loved and wanted. I am confident He will not delay, but will begin right away showing you great and marvelous things, even tiny things, like one word, appearing only one time in a song, just like He did for me.
Be blessed!
Donna
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